That's weird to think about. It seems like it was forever ago, and at the same time, like it was just yesterday. Maybe because I have been thinking about the same thing for a whole week. Time doesn't seem like it's passing that quickly when you are thinking the same thought over and over again.
What was I thinking about? Not forgetting.
This is not the first missions trip I've been on, but it's the first one I've been on in a long time. Since Hannah was born, actually. It's the first trip I've gone on where I felt like I had left my own life in the U.S. and somehow ended up on the other side of the world empty, but waiting to be filled, or used. I felt like a strange, empty vessel landing in Buenos Aires on the first day, having no idea what to expect. In retrospect, that was probably the best way to be for this trip. I wasn't full of daily agendas, lists, plans for the day, concerns, and my perpetual task list. Once I had been in touch with Micah and Hannah and knew that life was just fine for them at home, I was free to just serve. Or, sometimes, just sit back and observe. And I took a lot in in 3 weeks time... and I pondered it all in my heart: riding in a bus, walking through town, while I was working, journaling... I journaled a lot. Mostly in the form of blessings, a list I started after reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I wanted to write as much down as I could so that I would remember, so that I could look back and see what God was doing at this time, because He was doing so much in my heart, and in the lives of the people around me.
On our last night in Andacollo, we were challenged to not forget... When I heard these words, my heart broke, and tears welled up in my eyes, knowing how hard it would be to remember once I got home, and was back to busy-ness. It was easy doing this in Argentina, when we were all serving together, and there wasn't much else to be distracted with. We were challenged to be like John, a voice that cries out in the desert. Again, this is easier in Argentina. I knew this would be a real challenge coming home. I thought about my life at home, what I sound like when I talk to people: "How was the weekend?"
"Cute shoes!"
"What are you doing this weekend?"
"Ooh, I like your dress!"
"I.am.SO.tired."
"Oh, this is from Target!"
"I need to make dinner."
"I have SO many papers to grade."
"This week is going to be so busy!" (I think Micah and I say that every weekend!)
These are not exactly statements that give any sort of account of what God's doing in my life. Actually, seeing them all in a list like that, it looks like all the things that may be distracting me from what He's doing in my life. Enter the 1000 gifts again. Writing down God's blessings in my life puts me in tune with what He's up to that day: small things, and BIG things... they're all on the same list. When I first came to Argentina, there were 120 things on my list, (that I had started in December). In three and a half weeks, the list was up to 370. Why was it so much easier for me to be thankful, to see what He was doing in a place that was not familiar to me? Why couldn't I do that at home? This is what I thought about in that bus. Every time I saw that desert we were driving across, I was reminded of the voice "crying out in the wilderness, 'Make straight the way of the LORD." And I wondered, how am I going to do that?
I wondered this as I woke up from a nap that morning in the bus. I had fallen asleep coming down the mountain roads all bundled up in my sleeping bag... and I woke up in the desert.
I thought to myself, "How profound. Just like Mauro's message last night!" And I pondered these things in my heart. Joyfully, thankful for the time to think (obviously this is at the beginning of the bus ride.) I journaled my thoughts. Task-oriented, I made a list of things I needed to keep in check so that I would not forget. Ways that I thought I could bring more glory to God in my life - how would I be a voice that cries out in the wilderness of Orange County: Ponder, ponder, ponder. But I didn't come up with something to write for that one.
Time passes. I talk with Letty, we eat some empanadas, I take another nap. I wake up: we are still in the desert.
I am yet again reminded of the voice crying out in the desert. Everyone is napping, so I go back to listing in my journal... it was so easy to name the blessings, but I still had no idea what it would look like for me to be the kind of voice that desperately cries out in the name of the Lord to those around me: I work at a Christian school, I come from a long line of Jesus followers, and I married a man who is much the same. Most of my friends have known me for a really long time, so they know what I am all about... what more do I possibly need to be telling them? Uf. This was getting frustrating. I close the journal, sad that I had not been able to finish that list yet. It's at this point I imagine God chuckling at me... "Patience, Bonnie. You still have so much to learn." But I wanted my answer... NOW!
So... you can imagine how I reacted after dozing off and waking up a THIRD time, and we are STILL IN THE DESERT.
I share my frustration with Letty, Sandra, those around me... but the frustration is not so much that we are still in the bus, in the desert, but rather, every time I look out at the desert I am reminded of the challenge that waits for me at home... and I am afraid that I don't know how to deal with it. I didn't actually mention that at the time... because I wouldn't have known how to talk about it anyhow. But my head pretty much sounded like this: "God, help me!... I give up. We will get back to this, Lord."
We talk in the bus. Stop for dinner. Back in the bus, it is dark, and we are ready for bed. Letty makes a special request for Spanish praise songs, and Mauro played and our little group sang for an hour or so - and I cried... not just because Spanish praise does that to me, with it's beautiful language and how emotion is expressed so much better through words than in English, but because I really didn't want to forget this moment. And I knew it was passing. I thought about grabbing my Ipad and using the QuickVoice app to record them. Wish I had, just for the sake of singing along now, but that may have seemed strange at the moment, so I didn't. But I was so afraid of forgetting. I was so tired, but I couldn't sleep for the longest time, thinking that I would wake up and it would all be lost in the past.
I woke up at a toll booth in Buenos Aires. Not in the desert! I was literally fist-pumping as I saw the bus drive through the toll booth, so happy to see civilization again! And I hadn't forgotten... I still remembered EVERYTHING. We had some extended time alone in the park that morning, and I was ready to sit down with my journal and pencil this all out! There was a light at the end of the tunnel... I'm sure I would have this figured out before we headed home! And I sat in that park, and I still wrote down blessing after blessing, but then I stopped. I looked at my little list, and I still wanted to know what God expected from me once I got home. And I sat there... no idea what to do. I prayed.
Decided to just take it one step at a time.
(This has been the decision many other times in life when I don't know what to do. Funny how you can learn the same lesson over and over again, and it's still fresh each time!)
I got back to Buenos Aires,
did some more sightseeing,
debriefed the trip with the team,
wrote letters to my new amigos,
said goodbye to so many dear people,
got on a plane,
came home,
went to the pool,
caught up with family and friends,
met my niece on her birth-day!
God is good. And I am still taking things one step at a time.
Turns out, this is what a life of faith looks like: turning it all over to God to let Him do His thing.
And when you tell others about it: it brings glory to Him.
To God be the glory!
And I figured out what to do: Just TELL PEOPLE about it!!
God is good. All the time!
Every time I open up my journal to write about it, I am reminded of my time in Argentina, and what God taught me through his people there. And the good news is: I haven't forgotten! I just find myself thinking and praying for new things in the same old place now!
Some other highlights from the bus trip:
We left in the morning, so I watched the sun rise over the mountains. Rad.
I sat with Sandra. We talked. About so many things: family, boys, kids, college, dogs. We played a game where you ask questions, but cannot answer with yes, no, black or white. (Turns out this is a tough game to keep up with in your second language. I'll be practicing this!)
We sat and talked some more. We had a LOT of time to share our hearts. And that blessed me more than I know how to say!
I spent a lot of time talking with Letty, too. She cracks me up. And she challenges me, too! Why did we not take a photo? It's ok... I still remember!
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